This article provides preliminary, observational
data suggesting that toddlers may have diverged from honey badgers. Most evidence
is based on behavior characteristics, but some structural similarities were found. Molecular
comparisons were not made because of lack of funding and equipment (and a
healthy respect for my life). Further evidence is needed to substantiate this
claim.
Field
Notes
Table 1. Comparison of Honey Badger and Toddler Behavioral and Structural Characteristics
Badger
Characteristic
|
Toddler Shares
Characteristic
|
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Yes
|
Maybe
|
No
|
||
Behavior
|
||||
Vocalize
by whining
|
 Their
vocalizations begin with soft, high, pleasant tones. As the toddler's rights
are violated (e.g., changed diapers, broken crackers, unsolicited eye contact)
vocalizations become shrill and surprisingly loud. These sounds are typically
coupled with flailing arms, dead weight, and evil stares. |
|||
Mostly
solitary
|
Interacts
occasionally with others of its kind. Interactions may be positive or
negative depending on the territory, if cookies are present, and the toys
available. |
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Diurnal
& Nocturnal
|
Individuals
within this species tend to vary. Some sleep primarily during the day while
other sleep at night. Regardless, getting the toddler to sleep is
exceptionally difficult. I’ve observed that rubber chewing objects are great
for pacification; however, many toddlers are no longer using them due to
threats from dentists. Dentists obviously haven’t seen what I have. |
|||
Strong,
ferocious, and tough
|
They will fiercely
and savagely defend their territory by attacking any animal (or inanimate
object) that displeases them. I witnessed one individual chase down a group
of aggressive domestic geese trying to take back his “crackers”. |
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Omnivore
|
I believe it
has the capacity to eat meat, I just haven’t witnessed it yet. Primary diet
is milk, cookies, and gold fish. |
|||
Can
run quickly for short periods of time
|
They have a
stealth-like run - both quick and quiet. This is an adaptive behavior. The
parents stay busy chasing them around the house and are too tired to
reproduce; therefore decreasing future competition for resources. |
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Capable
of using tools
|
Tools are only
used when in best interest of the toddler. For example, they are more than
willing to use a screw driver, even at risk to their own safety, but they may
be unwilling to use a fork when eating. |
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Intelligent
|
Caution must
be taken while doing any action within eye-sight of a toddler. They easily
learn skills without being taught. While some skills, like putting up their
laundry, are cute and adorable, other skills, like throwing EVERYTHING away, including
a new smart phone, are not. |
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Structure
|
||||
Short,
fat bodies with short legs
|
In addition, toddler
has an exceptionally large, protruding belly - possibly due to the
disproportionate consumption of simple carbohydrates (specifically cookies
and gold fish). |
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Jaw
structure adapted for holding prey
|
They bite their
prey (typically parents and other small children) and hold on with the utmost
tenacity – withstanding all forms of threats and bribery. |
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Teeth
display signs of irregular development
|
Teeth can
erupt as early as 4 months or as late as 1 year. Teeth are typically snaggled
and gnarly in appearance with a large gap between each tooth. Regardless of
maturation, teeth tend to erupt at the most inopportune times and usually results
in alcohol consumption of the parent. |
|||
Based on my field observations, toddlers shared 8 behavioral
and 3 structural characteristics with honey badgers, suggesting that
toddlers may have diverged from honey badgers. Some might suggest convergent
evolution for these similarities, however, significant differences
in environments would suggest otherwise.
 |
| Graphic from: Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva |
