Three Weeks as a Foster Mom

We were in Walgreen's, shopping for birthday and anniversary cards, when we got the call. It was our second emergency placement call in less that 24 hours. We were still a little disappointed about not getting the first little boy and we were shocked when we got a second call in such a short period of time.

We were told that the child was a 14 month old little boy and that he would probably be legal risk. They didn't know anything about his situation in terms of health, development, etc. With a lot of doubt and uncertainty, we said yes.

In about an hour, the CPS case worker showed up at our house. The little boy was in shock - wide eyed and watching everyone closely. He reluctantly let me hold him, keeping his case worker in sight the entire time. As we began talking with the case worker, we found out that he was not legal risk and that he was developmentally delayed.

At that point, Shawn and I didn't know what to do. We were just put in charge of a child that would not stay in our care and that was not basic needs. Looking back, it's kind of amusing because those were the two parameters that we would not compromise on. We wanted a child that was likely adoptable and that did not require "special" care. Needless to say, you don't always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.

Our Foster Baby's Situation

Our sweet boy was 14 months old, yet he couldn't crawl and he could barely sit up. He was tiny - both skinny and small. In his diaper bag we found baby food and rice cereal, even though he had 12 teeth.

We went to the doctor and found out that he was in the 0.01 percentile for weight and was classified as "failure to thrive". Not only that, but he was severely behind developmentally so the doctor ordered physical therapy, occupational therapy, nutritional therapy, and speech therapy (to help with swallowing and eating). We were instructed to give him 3 bottles of Pediasure every day in addition to 3 nutritious meals. We were also told to exercise him as much as possible, which we were already doing. I labeled our exercise/play program "baby bootcamp" :).

3 Weeks with our Foster Baby

For the first week, he didn't sleep. Typically, he was up 6 times a night, but there were nights that he was awake hourly. He didn't nap either. This kid could go an entire day with only 20 minutes of light napping. He wouldn't sleep unless he had a bottle in his mouth and a blanket to cuddle with. For the first week, we had to put him to bed with a bottle of milk. Over time, we were able to switch the milk to water, but we were never able to take the bottle completely away at bed time. Of course, that terrified me, but I was learning to take one step at a time and fight the most important battles first. I began sleep training him the second week and it took many nights, but he finally started sleeping through the night with only 1-2 wake-ups. We found out during the third week that he had meth in his system when he came to us. Now we know why he had so many problems sleeping. Poor baby.

As we observed and interacted with this sweet boy, we learned that he was a least 6 months behind developmentally, if not more. He couldn't crawl and he could barely sit up - he would wobble and topple over easily. When he drank a bottle, he would contort his neck and head in a way I didn't think possible. Remember Pez dispensers? Picture that, but on a baby. Disturbing.

What 14 month old can't crawl or sit up?? Why was he eating baby food when he had 12 teeth? Why did he contort his head so far back when he had a bottle? Most likely answer: he spent a lot of time in a confined area like a crib or a car seat. (That's a nice way of saying he was neglected.)

As our time with the little one progressed, we saw vast improvements. He ate like a horse and in 3 short weeks, his cheeks and legs filled out and he developed a healthy pot belly. He was now sitting up without toppling over and he had perfected his inch worm crawl into a spring-loaded launch. He developed the ability to pull up on furniture from his belly and he even started cruising. In fact, when he left our care, he could cruise from the recliner, to the couch, and around the coffee table. With LOTS of therapy from Early Childhood Intervention, good nutrition, and hours of play, this little boy was starting to catch up.

Our baby had a court date on a Friday, about 3 weeks after he came into our home. This was when the judge would decide where he would go. Multiple family members had conducted homestudies in hopes of adopting him. In fact, he had multiple family visits every week to spend time with all the prospective families. The Thursday before, I was busy washing clothes and getting his things together because I knew that he was going to his forever home the next day. As I was doing laundry, I got a call from our CPS case worker stating that the judge had reviewed the homestudies and that our foster baby would be going home with a great family, but that I needed to pack his bags immediately because he was leaving our care in 2 hours.

There was no warning. I thought I had one last day to spend with him, when in fact, I only had hours. So, of course, I cried.

I finished laundry and packed all his things - this kid had A LOT of things! Buckners had bought him clothes, we bought him clothes, every family that visited him bought him clothes. Needless to say, this little guys was loved! Shawn and I put him in the car, we drove to daycare to pick up Kallan and then we went to United Market Street to have a small party before our sweet baby left us forever. We ate red velvet cupcakes with a rich cream cheese icing. We took lots of pictures.

Then we drove to the Department of Family and Protective Services, said our goodbyes, and drove home with one less child in tow.

The Reality of the Situation

It was difficult, more difficult than I could ever have imagined. He cried constantly if he wasn't being held or within 5 feet of an adult figure that was giving him attention. Actually, there were many times when Shawn was holding him that he cried because he wanted me. We bonded within the first couple of hours and we were inseparable thereafter. Although it was nice to be wanted - Kallan wants little to do with me these days - it was also exhausting.

I spoke with someone who completed her master's degree in early childhood development and she explained his behavior through attachment theory. The basic premise is that babies learn to meet their needs by crying. When babies cry their parents feed them, change their diaper, cuddle with them, etc. However, with babies that are neglected, they do not make those connections and therefore do not develop confidence and independence. They cry constantly because they don't know if their needs will be met or not. I'm probably not summing that up very well, but I think you get the idea.

He was a difficult baby, but we knew we were doing the right things. Over a short period of time, he was already learning to develop confidence and I could be 10 feet away instead of 5 before he would get upset :).

Our Support

I've always bragged about our support system. I don't know how or why we have so many wonderful people in our lives, but I am truly thankful. Our parents and extended family accepted the baby like he was their own. They played with him, loved on him, and gave him a little piece of their hearts. Some of our closest friends were there when we got the call and were constantly asking us how they could help. Our church friends and the nursery staff were amazing. They prayed for him and loved him. We were overwhelmed with support. I can't begin to express how much of a difference that made.

Take Away Lessons

Let me start by saying this: we never intended to be strictly foster parents. Our plan, from the beginning, was to foster a child who's parents were no longer able to care for them legally. When the parents lost their rights to the child (by not following their plan through CPS - parenting classes, staying off drugs, getting a job, etc.), then that child would become adoptable. Hopefully, we would be the family to adopt that child.

Life doesn't always follow our plans.

If I were to pick just a few words to sum-up this experience, I would use: difficult, wonderful, frustrating, exciting, and confusing - very confusing. I have experienced a myriad of emotions: anger at his family for letting him be so under developed, happy that his father loved him so much, confused about the word "love" since his father did not feed him properly or give him the freedom to play. The list goes on and I'm still trying to sort-out all of my emotions.

This experience helped us to know the reality of what we are getting ourselves into rather than the idealized version of being a foster/adoptive parent (if there is such a thing :)). We learned a lot about the system - CPS, WIC, ECI. We learned about taking care of a "high needs" and sometimes difficult child that we didn't even know.

To be honest, it was all quite scary.

But we are staying the course because we believe there is a child out there that will be the right fit for our family!