Toddlers Diverged from Honey Badgers

This article provides preliminary, observational data suggesting that toddlers may have diverged from honey badgers. Most evidence is based on behavior characteristics, but some structural similarities were found. Molecular comparisons were not made because of lack of funding and equipment (and a healthy respect for my life). Further evidence is needed to substantiate this claim.

Field Notes

Table 1. Comparison of Honey Badger and Toddler Behavioral and Structural Characteristics

Badger Characteristic	Toddler Shares Characteristic
	Yes	Maybe		No
Behavior
Vocalize by whining	Their vocalizations begin with soft, high, pleasant tones. As the toddler's rights are violated (e.g., changed diapers, broken crackers, unsolicited eye contact) vocalizations become shrill and surprisingly loud. These sounds are typically coupled with flailing arms, dead weight, and evil stares.
Mostly solitary	Interacts occasionally with others of its kind. Interactions may be positive or negative depending on the territory, if cookies are present, and the toys available.
Diurnal & Nocturnal		Individuals within this species tend to vary. Some sleep primarily during the day while other sleep at night. Regardless, getting the toddler to sleep is exceptionally difficult. I’ve observed that rubber chewing objects are great for pacification; however, many toddlers are no longer using them due to threats from dentists. Dentists obviously haven’t seen what I have.
Strong, ferocious, and tough	They will fiercely and savagely defend their territory by attacking any animal (or inanimate object) that displeases them. I witnessed one individual chase down a group of aggressive domestic geese trying to take back his “crackers”.
Omnivore		I believe it has the capacity to eat meat, I just haven’t witnessed it yet. Primary diet is milk, cookies, and gold fish.
Can run quickly for short periods of time	They have a stealth-like run - both quick and quiet. This is an adaptive behavior. The parents stay busy chasing them around the house and are too tired to reproduce; therefore decreasing future competition for resources.
Capable of using tools		Tools are only used when in best interest of the toddler. For example, they are more than willing to use a screw driver, even at risk to their own safety, but they may be unwilling to use a fork when eating.
Intelligent	Caution must be taken while doing any action within eye-sight of a toddler. They easily learn skills without being taught. While some skills, like putting up their laundry, are cute and adorable, other skills, like throwing EVERYTHING away, including a new smart phone, are not.
Structure
Short, fat bodies with short legs	In addition, toddler has an exceptionally large, protruding belly - possibly due to the disproportionate consumption of simple carbohydrates (specifically cookies and gold fish).
Jaw structure adapted for holding prey	They bite their prey (typically parents and other small children) and hold on with the utmost tenacity – withstanding all forms of threats and bribery.
Teeth display signs of irregular development	Teeth can erupt as early as 4 months or as late as 1 year. Teeth are typically snaggled and gnarly in appearance with a large gap between each tooth. Regardless of maturation, teeth tend to erupt at the most inopportune times and usually results in alcohol consumption of the parent.

Based on my field observations, toddlers shared 8 behavioral and 3 structural characteristics with honey badgers, suggesting that toddlers may have diverged from honey badgers. Some might suggest convergent evolution for these similarities, however, significant differences in environments would suggest otherwise.

Graphic from: Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva